Friday, July 19, 2013

The Threshold

Last night was a big threshold for Maci and us… Last night was the 40th night… It’s been 40 days already…

I haven’t been writing anything until today. I simply couldn’t do it anymore. I felt the need to stay away from everyone. Sometimes, my feelings  become so intense that words lose meaning or purpose, for that matter… Yet, there are times when words come to me so naturally that I don’t see why I should resist them.

Soon after my first posts, I felt as if standing at a crossroads. I was so amazed at the number of people who read my posts that I got really scared and refrained from writing. I had to stop and see what I had to do next.

I may continue writing about my love without getting discouraged by erroneous prejudices or comments regarding my writing style, etc. I will continue writing just like before, wholeheartedly. If it does me good, then this is how it’s going to be. To me, writing is therapy: it helps me accept things, it gives me the strength to move forward, it protects me. Therefore, I will keep writing.

I am very much aware that you cannot find the right words to tell me or that you do not know how to act around me. That you’re struggling for the proper approach. Well, you should know that the girls and I are in the same (uncomfortable) situation. I do not know what to tell you either, but don’t be afraid. It’s still me, it’s still the same Daiana, only sadder and more adrift than usual. Other than that, it’s still the same dreamy and forever-in-love me. It feels good to see you unchanged, to watch you act normal. Whenever you call me, the hardest thing to handle is your questions, your desire to find out details about what happened. Please be patient with me, I will answer your curiosities here, in writing, but slowly, at my own pace. In exchange for my confessions, I am asking you to try to act normal for me and around me. Please don’t expect me to tell you what happened because I cannot talk about it. I will however write about it…

Going back to my beloved Maci, we are both Orthodox by birth and, according to our religion, the soul travels in its dearest places and visits its close ones for 40 days. All this time, the good and the evil forces are fighting over the soul of the dead. On the 40th day, depending on the direction of the scale, God sends the soul to a temporary place, until the Judgment Day. That is the threshold…

You have no idea how hard I have been searching for answers all this time. I have to admit my faith is not that strong, and that made me fall and stand up, believe and renege on everything so many a times. It was a painful battle, but eventually love conquered once more. At least, that is how I feel. I feel Maci is the light and the love; he is in everything that's beautiful and good around me.

An acquaintance told me that she had a dream about Andrei. As she said, he came up to her wrapped up in light and accompanied by an angel. Many friends had dreams about him and told me similar stories: “Andrei is well”, “He misses you”, “He loves you”, etc. :)  A monk told me not to worry because Andrei is in the care of an angel and he is doing fine wherever he is. In a way, all these stories were alike; they only varied in form. I have to confess all of these stories gave me the energy to go on, even though I often doubted they were true.

These past weeks, I’ve been begging Maci to visit me in my dreams, to comfort me and give me strength, to send me signs that would relieve the fear. When he was still with us, I would often have dreams about him and would often make jokes about not being able to fantasize about anyone else. :) After his passing, I was terribly frustrated because I only had 3 dreams about him and only once did my soul fill with joy – it was in my last dream, at the threshold of these 40 days. 

I think I already told you that, ever since Maci left us, a strange dialogue keeps popping in my mind: “Maci, can you feel me? And my mind keeps answering back. “Yes, I can.” And my thoughts get carried away. Each and every day, three questions and answers keep coming back. “Maci, can you hear me?” “Yes, I can.” “Do you love me?”, “Yes, I do… and finally my most recent dream has once again answered these three questions. :)

In my dream, Maci was wearing his blue linen shirt. He was beautiful and in good spirits as always. He was sitting at a table, eating. Although my consciousness was aware that it was only a dream and Maci was no longer with us, I went up to him and hugged him. It was such a joy and at the same time such a wonder that I could feel his physical presence that I had to tell him.

“Maci, I can actually feel you!”
“Of course, you can. What were you thinking?” he said with a smile.
He was talking a bit slowly, so I went on.
“Maci, you left and you only came back in this dream. Look, you can’t even talk the way you used to.”
He burst out laughing and started to talk like in the old days (he was teasing me again).
“So what if I left?" he answered smiling.
I was dumbfounded, at a loss for words. I was so happy to see that nothing had changed and at the same time so terribly scared that someone would wake me up from my sleep. I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. 

So, I asked him: 
“Maci, tell me quickly, what is it like on the other side?”
“It’s beautiful, it’s good, it’s perfect!” he replied in his usual laidback style.
“Perfect? I asked him in surprise, waiting for more details. But Maci swiftly changed the topic.
“My feet feel really cold... that water was so cold…”
I was not surprised to hear that, since he had hypothermia. I took a better look at him and noticed he was bare-footed.

[I would like to mention that I was not allowed to bury him with his shoes on, for ecological reasons.]

In my dream, I remembered his red Converse trainers and reassured him:
“Don’t you worry! I will handle this very soon!” I realized that I need to give them away. I hugged him one more time.  He felt so full of live, it was unbelievable.
“I miss you and the girls!” he said.
I felt overjoyed and overwhelmed. I glanced at my watch. Apparently, we were in some kind of rush. I noticed it was 5.30 pm. Then I caught a glimpse at a couple of friends waiting for us in their car. I realized we were supposed to meet them, so I told him.
“Maci, we’re going to be late for the christening of Alina’s baby boy. We need to hurry!”

[Alina is our good old friend. We were the spiritual parents at her wedding, and the godparents of her little girls. As a matter of fact, Alina got pregnant around Andrei's passing.]

"Wait, we cannot be here and there at the same time!" Andrei said.
"Here where?" I asked him, but then I woke up alone in our bed.... 

Reality hurt so bad that I closed my eyes forcefully so that my dream would continue, so that I could hold on to that feeling of well-being that I would always have around my Maci... In vain... I could not make my dream go on, but I can still hope... Somewhere, sometimes we will be together again! Of that I'm sure!

I love you, Maci. Thank you for visiting me in my dream now, as you've just crossed the threshold towards the light. May your journey be safe, my love, and although it hurts to admit this, I know you are well...

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